Brain Enema 2-15-10

To recap the NBA All-Star Saturday Night… Paul Pierce is money, Rajon Rondo lost in HORSE because Kevin Duran can make a jump shot and Rondo can’t, Nate Robinson won the dunk contest because he is short and can jump high, and Steve Nash is fundamentally sound.

March Madness, is a month away and I haven't watched a minute of college basketball since last year's Final Four.

Howard Stern would be the death of American Idol. Good or bad?

Brett Favre is still going to play in 2010.

The Olympics during the NHL season is a horrible idea. At least one star will get hurt and ruin his teams’ playoff chances

ECW will be missed, even in its WWE form. RVD, Taz, Paul Heyman, Raven, Sandman, Dudley Boyz, bWo, Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Shane Douglas, etc THANK YOU for the MEMORIES

David Lee should get at least a four-year fifty million dollar contract in the off-season. I would forget about Lebron and put my money into Lee and a good SG/SF for less money.

All it took for Drew Brees to finally get respect was to win a Super Bowl against a future first ballot Hall of fame QB. Looking at the last few years I am leaning towards saying that Brees should have won two MVP awards.

Cris Carter is a first ballot Hall of fame wide receiver even if he is in the same class as Jerry Rice and Emmit Smith

It's sad seeing UFC legends getting passed by. Tito Ortiz shut up a retire.

Regardless of free agency or the draft, if the Patriots lose Pro Bowl NT Vince Wilfork after the upcoming season than they will need to completely overhaul their defense

Nothing says Valentines Day like the NBA All-Star Game at a football stadium

Dana White promised Boston UFC a PPV this summer. Lesnar will be healthy by then. Smell the money

Saw Johnny Damon on the side of the road the other day with a sign.. '"Will play decent offensive left field for a multi-year contract making 150% of my market value."

Would the Patriots sign Terrell Ovens & LT for a year to make a Super Bowl run?

Jon Lester, Josh Beckett, John Lackey, Dice-K, Clay Bucholz, Tim Wakefield, Boof Bonser, Michael Bowden, etc. With those starters the Red Sox don't need to worry about their offense, they should be able to win I-0 or 2-1 every game.

Tim Thomas gets named to the USA Olympic team and he ends up as the Bruins backup the year after he won the Vezina Trophy. The Bruins have the seventh best goals against in the NHL so he can’t be that bad. If the B's were healthy and could score and have competent defensemen they would be a contender.

Does Boxing still exist?

Urban Meyer needs to stay away from Florida for this year for the health of everyone else

The Thunder will win an NBA title before the Mariners or Seahawks even make a Super bowl or World Series. The Mariners should make the playoffs this year by winning a weak American League West.

The Giants getting Tim Lincum for less than twelve million per year for the next two years is a steal. He would get close to twenty million per year for a long term contract on the open market.

Frank Thomas officially retired after close to two decades as one of the most feared hitters in baseball. The future first ballot Hall of former is still the best tight end in Auburn history. He could have been a great NFL player.

The Dolphins release Joey Porter because he is a loud mouth with declining skills. A few hours later the team had to bring him back to improper timing of his release. They have agreed to keep him but bought out his mouth and attitude for 750,000.

The BengaIs must be concerned about their image. They are no longer the league leaders in arrests, so they signed WR Matt Jones (out of the NFL for drug issues) and worked out to Pacman Jones. Gilbert Arenas has a tryout next week.

A tip for Donte Stallworth’s agent. Try to get a public transportation endorsement instead of a car dealership. Just a thought.

For the moment I am out of athletes to insult and degrade, so until next time the sports world is on watch.

Brock Lesnar > Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was once the most feared man in the world. Now that he has gotten older he has had to relinquish his status as the toughest man that ever lived. After a long and exhausting search a replacement for Norris was found, and he is even tougher that Norris. After nearly dying from diverticulitis, UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar made the colon disease disappear. The only way to cure it is with a surgical removal. Brock is tougher than disease and smarter than medical experts. Brock is now the most dangerous man in the universe. Here is just a small list of his skills.

Brock Lesnar is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar doesn't need to shave, his stubble falls out on its own

Brocks donated 156 organs to those in need. Half have come from his victims the other half are his and regenerated

Brock is immortal. If you try to kill him you will die

Brock’s tattoos aren’t real. No needle is strong enough to break his skin. He just draws them with sharpies.

Brock doesn't need a cell phone. He just thinks and the person knows what he wants to say

Brock can’t get the flu. The flu gets shots to protect themselves from Brock

When Brock proposed he didn't buy a diamond ring he squeezed a lump of Coal into a fourteen-carrot diamond

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Brock Lesnar can piss his name into concrete.

The chief export of Brock Lesnar is pain.

Brock Lesnar is the only person in the world that can actually email a heart punch.

Brock Lesnar' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Brock Lesnar uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Brock Lesnar is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Brock Lesnar.

Jesus can walk on water, but Brock Lesnar can swim through dry land.

Brock Lesnar once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Brock Lesnar doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

Brock Lesnar once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Superman wears Brock Lesnar pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Brock Lesnar does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Brock Lesnar died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Brock Lesnar does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Brock Lesnar won... by five.

Brock Lesnar is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Brock Lesnar can kill two stones with one bird.

When Brock Lesnar crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Brock Lesnar counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Brock Lesnar has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Brock Lesnar toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Brock Lesnar can hold his breathe for nine years.

Brock Lesnar CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

An elbow to the chest by Brock Lesnar is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Brock Lesnar is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Brock Lesnar.

When Brock Lesnar had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Brock Lesnar. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Brock Lesnar is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Brock Lesnar sleeps with a night light. Not because Brock Lesnar is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar doesn't chew gum. Brock Lesnar chews tin foil.

Brock Lesnar can touch MC Hammer.

When Brock Lesnar runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Brock Lesnar ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Brock Lesnar can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Brock Lesnar frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Brock Lesnar in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Brock Lesnar just hates trailer parks.

Brock Lesnar once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Brock Lesnar is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Brock Lesnar' fists are so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Brock Lesnar plays Monopoly, it affects the economy.

Apple pays Brock Lesnar 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Brock Lesnar doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Brock Lesnar' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Brock Lesnar does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Brock Lesnar has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Brock Lesnar doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Brock Lesnar picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Brock Lesnar invented water.

Brock Lesnar can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Brock Lesnar' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Brock Lesnar jumps out.

Brock Lesnar doesn't wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.

Brock Lesnar gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Brock Lesnar once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime

Brock Lesnar can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Brock Lesnar's computer. Brock Lesnar is always in control.

Minnesota does not have a police force. They have Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Brock Lesnar? ...All of it.

Brock Lesnar's penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Brock Lesnar doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Brock Lesnar eats steel.

Brock Lesnar doesn't eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.

Anyone can piss on the floor, but Brock Lesnar can shit on the ceiling

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Brock Lesnar's fist.

Brock Lesnar is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Brock Lesnar gave him 6.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Brock Lesnar does both legs at once.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Brock Lesnar counts for 4 of them.

Brock Lesnar once punched a man in the SOUL.

God said "Let there be light", Brock Lesnar said "Say please".

If you Google search "Brock Lesnar getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

It takes Brock Lesnar 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Bullets dodge Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar can divide by zero.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Brock Lesnar to go around.

Brock Lesnar always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Brock Lesnar believes it's not butter.

Brock Lesnar can get Blackjack with just one card

Brock Lesnar was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Brock Lesnar can sneeze with his eyes open

Brock Lesnar got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Brock Lesnar for every answer

Brock Lesnar can split the atom. With his bare hands

Brock Lesnar let the dogs out

Brock Lesnar can piss into gale force winds.

Brock Lesnar invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Brock Lesnar does not "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Guns don't kill people. Brock Lesnar kills People.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Brock Lesnar.

"Brock Lesnar can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Brock Lesnar allows to live.

Brock Lesnar destroyed the periodic table, because Brock Lesnar only recognizes the element of surprise.

Brock Lesnar can unscramble an egg.

Brock Lesnar can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Brock Lesnar is what Willis was talking about.

Guns kill 12 people a day. Brock Lesnar kills 20.

When Brock Lesnar goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

Brock Lesnar once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Brock Lesnar once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The only thing better than Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar on TV, talking about Brock Lesnar.

When Brock Lesnar sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Brock Lesnar has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Brock Lesnar doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Brock Lesnar can delete the Recycle Bin.

Brock Lesnar puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Brock Lesnar doesn't get the belt, the belt get Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar can gargle peanut butter.

Brock Lesnar is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Brock Lesnar once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Brock won blindfolded.

Brock Lesnar lost his virginity before his dad did.

What was going through the minds of Brock Lesnar' victims before they died? His shoe.

When Brock Lesnar gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Brock Lesnar doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Brock Lesnar doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

There are no races, only countries of people Brock Lesnar has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Brock Lesnar. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Brock Lesnar can build a snowman out of rain.

The adjective "perfect" originated when Brock Lesnar gave his penis a nickname

All you need to know is not to mess with Brock Lesnar or he will kill you, slowly. You have been warned!