Jack Bauer...Vampire?

With the new season of 24 in full swing the biggest mystery of all is Jack Bauer. A normal television season takes place over weeks or months, where 24 takes place in one day. We tend to forget that the gash, burn, or broken rib in the sixth hour should and would still be there twelve hours later, but miraculously they are gone. Not only does Jack have the power to heal almost instantly, but also he never ages. Take a look at the timeline from the various 24 seasons to see that Jack Bauer may be a vampire (fast healing + can’t die + doesn’t age).

In the first season, in 2001, Jack was a highly successful federal agent with a 15-year-old daughter. Although Jack's age was never stated, he had to be at least in his late mid to late thirties. He was a college graduate who had received his master's in criminology, then joined the U.S. Army, reaching the rank of captain in the prestigious Delta Squad. After the Army, he worked for Los Angeles SWAT team, and then joined the CIA in its clandestine wing. After this, he was recruited to the CTU, the mysterious agency where Jack toils when the series begins. It is almost impossible for an average person to have accomplished so much before they were fifty, but Bauer is no average man.

When the series started we can be extra generous and say he was 38. A warning is that the timeline isn’t exact but it is as close as we can get. Season 2 was 18 months after season 1, making Jack 39-40. Season 3 was three years after season 2, making Jack about 42-43. Season 4 was 18 months after season 3, making Jack about at least 45. Season 5 was 18 months after season 4, making Jack about 47. Season 6 was 20 months after season 5, making Jack about 49. 24-Redemption, a two-hour movie that supposedly tied things together, was four years after season 6, making Jack 53-54. Season 7, happening shortly after Redemption, still has Jack at around 54. Season 8, looks to be three years after season 8, as Jack's granddaughter is close to three, making Jack around 57. He's quite a physical specimen for a man with an AARP Card! Also, add up the years and it is now 2014 in the series, if the series started in the same year that it aired. Maybe that explains all the CTU super-technology that does not seem to exist in our reality. VAMPIRES I TELL YOU, VAMPIRES.

The Brain Over the Chin

Jay Leno has never been a favorite of mine, even when he was on top of the late night world. I was always a Letterman fan, a Jon Stewart Daily Show fan, and a Conan O'Brien fan. Leno never did anything for me, he seemed like the guy at the bar sitting around thinking he was funny because his friends laughed at him. Leno's retirement was a welcomed change as the true funny men of late night would get a better shot. O'Brien has a brain (he is right there with Rivers Cuomo from Weezer as the coolest Harvard grads on the planet), a written comedic background (stints as a writer for Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons), and the ability to be smart without being highbrow. Leno's retirement opened the door for Conan to rule the airwaves.

Leno opted to end his retirement and take his late night show to prime time. While this should have worked, the jokes were tamer, the guests were less than impressive, and the show lacked that important feel. There are reasons why late night television isn't shown in prime time; what you can say at 11:30 is much different than a few hours earlier. Once Leno's show became a failure he was left with nowhere to go. His pride wouldn't let him just retire, he needed to show he could still command an audience. Where was Leno to go? Back to late night, taking Conan's spot. Why not just leave well enough alone? Leno could have done a huge stand up tour, but now he has thrown a wrench in late night plans. Conan played second fiddle long enough to deserve his spot, don' let Leno steal it NBC.

Best Quote Ever

The best quote ever from a movie. Matt Damon in therapy from Good Will Hunting

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And, of course, the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

Good Will Hunting Quotes

And why does he hang out with those retarded gorillas, as you called them? Because any one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fucking bat to your head, okay? It's called loyalty.

The Best Advice You can get

I hate getting advice because if it doesn't work out then you are the one left in trouble, however this is great advice.

ALF Quote

When you crawl under people’s houses you hear things
--Alf

Whenever I have info that I don't want to disclose how I obtained it, this is my answer

MERCY

"Well when you were in Iraq I came here (a strip club) a few times and I ran into your father. We swore each other to secrecy about it."

"What is this, the first rule of perv club is don't talk about perv club"?

I hate each season when a few dozen new television shows debut and I always seem to miss out on the good ones. This year I think I hit gold with NBC's Wednesday night hit Mercy. It combines the humor and nurse over doctor focus of Scrubs with the medical intensity of ER. When you take a nurse coming home from Iraq to her husband that cheated on her, only to find out the doctor she cheated with just joined her hospital, and you have a plot. Throw in a dysfunctional drunken Irish family, a doctor with the world's worst bedside manner, and a nurse that is more innocent than an Amish nun and you have a lot to work with. Mercy deserves to make it, so watch it. You won't be disappointed.

Brain Enema 11-10-09

The Yankees won their 27^th World Series but next year’s team will be missing Johnny Damon, Hideki Matsui, Andy Pettite, and who knows who else. They will still be good because they can outspend anyone, but their lack of a farm system will continue to be a huge issue for them. You can buy players all day long but if you can’t develop a farm system then you won’t be able to get the players you need during the year to replace the old and feeble free agents signed in the offseason.

The Colts may have one of the best records in the NFL but they are not a Super Bowl team. Their defensive backfield has been decimated by injuries (Bob Sanders is not a top safety in the NFL, healthy or not) and the offense is not as dangerous as they once were. The Colts will be in the playoffs but they lack the bodies and talent to get a ring.

Can the WWE please put the Undertaker in one final casket match and haul him away? He has had one of the best runs in wrestling history, but four months at a time of obviously injured Taker doesn’t help his legacy or the company in general. He needs a reduced role where he grooms a replacement, and he needs to stop holding titles, unless they are tag team belts.

Good news Minnesota Twins fans, Michael Cuddyer had his option picked up for the 2010 season and JJ Hardy was acquired from the Brewers. Not only do the Twins keep the best power hitter they have and add a solid offensive shortstop, they show Joe Mauer that they are willing to spend money to have a competitive team.

Memo to the NHL: If a player has swine flu he sits. Grow a spine before the entire league has teams full of players that are on the shelf.

Rajon Rondo resigning with the Boston Celtics is bad news for the rest of the NBA. Rondo would have been the best point guard available as a free agent in years had he not signed an extension. Rondo needs to improve on his shooting, but the same things were said about Jason Kidd, and Rondo has the potential to be better than Kidd.

Ty Law is back in the NFL, signing with the Broncos. Apparently Denver had a need for a reserve cornerback that could generate frequent pass interference penalties and give up huge chunks of yardage. I wonder if Law can feed his family on his prorated salary for the year.

Brad Mills will be an amazing manager for the Astros. The cupboard is almost bare in Houston but Mills has the skills to get the most out of whatever talent he is given. I worry about the Red Sox success without him as the bench coach.

Andre Reed the Buffalo Bills Future Hall of Fame Wide Receiver once said “You are going to get hit either way so you might as well hold onto the ball”. Wes Welker of the Patriots must have taken that to heart, as you can drive him through a brick wall and he will still hold onto the ball. He might be the best possession receiver of his era.

Phil Kessel signed a huge offer sheet with the Maple Leafs, costing the team their first three draft picks next year. Kessel just returned from rotator cuff surgery and recorded ten shots in his first game, and another seven shots that were blocked. He could be just the spark the team needs, however the Leafs are so bad that no matter how well Kessel performs the Leafs will still be at the bottom of the NHL.

I started to watch V and I can’t help but find myself waiting for Fox Mulder to pop up and try to help humanity and then be viciously killed. The show seems like a long X-Files episode, which isn’t a bad thing, but I doubt I will keep watching.

Hulk Hogan joining TNA will end up working, but not in the way most people are expecting. The fans that have left wrestling will return to relive the glory days, but will find a show that actually has talented wrestlers even if they are not the household names of the past. They will be amazed at the action and watch. Most of the current fans will stay in hopes that the company doesn’t get screwed up and will continue to push the people that actually can wrestle, not just the has-been friends of Hogan. TNA will have a rocky transition as some wrestlers will be without a role and will end up lost in the shuffle. Once the newness of Hogan wears off is when the company will see if their investment has paid off. If Hogan becomes an on air talent or tries to wrestle than all will be lost as Hogan couldn’t wrestle thirty years ago, let alone today. If he stays out of the way the company should thrive. If he is put in charge of running the show than all bets are off as to what may happen.

Blake Griffin will suffer from the Clippers curse and become another Danny Manning. I hope it doesn’t happen but that franchise cripples talent worse than a polio outbreak.

If the NFL wants to put a franchise in London (or anywhere in Europe) they will have to face a huge obstacle with not only the huge popularity of soccer (played at the same time of year) but also with the economic issues (value of the dollar versus the Pound or Euro). It is a good idea in theory but not in reality.

Tim Wakefield is close to resigning a two-year contract extension with the Red Sox. Wakefield may not have any fingers left to throw a knuckleball by the time he finally retires.

Naked = Ratings

The Simpsons first aired when I was in elementary school, and I now have a daughter that will be in kindergarten next year. Needless to say, the show has some staying power. Over the years the Simpsons has gone from the “bad influence” show to practically being family friendly compared to South Park , Family Guy, and Adult Swim. That is why the recent announcement of Marge Simpson posing in Playboy makes sense, but is still so bizarre. They are many pros and cons to this idea, and while I have no intention of purchasing the magazine, the idea may have merit. I am so confused about it I am not even sure what my opinion is, so make it up for yourself based on the info.

· Marge Simpson isn’t even human. She is a cartoon with one less finger than other humans, she has blue hair, and she looks like she has the worse case of jaundice ever recorded.

· She isn’t even the most attractive cartoon mom on Fox, Lois on Family Guy is much hotter

· Does anyone ever buy Playboy anymore? With all the access to free porn online who needs a magazine?

· Do cartoons turn you on? Actually don’t answer that

· The Simpsons get a ton of publicity, and publicity = ratings

· Fox has no morals so don’t condemn them for exploiting a drawing (the exploit my brain cells by keeping Fox “News” on the air)

· Will people actually buy more magazines or generate more site hits to make the venture worthwhile?

· Will people be turned off by the idea and boycott the show?

· Do people even care about either Fox’s show or Heff’s empire?

This has been bouncing around in my head for weeks, so please let me know what you think, I need to get a resolution.

Gin Rummy Quote

Boondocks is the best cartoon strip and TV cartoon ever, there is no debate. They say what people think, they mock anyone and everyone, they say anything (they did an episode about the N (Nigga is a friend Nigger is an insult), and best of all, Samuel L Jackson plays a white militant Iraq vet named Gin Rummy. Rummy's best lines are taken from Donald Rumsfield quotes "absence of evidence" and "unknown unknows" and made into huge satire. Here is the best...

Gin Rummy: I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean you have evidence of something that doesn't exist.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: What country are you from?
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: 'What' ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in 'What'?
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?
Riley: Yeah.
Gin Rummy: So you understand the words I'm saying to you!
Riley: Yeah.
Gin Rummy: Well, what I'm saying is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns. But there are also unknown unknowns; things we don't know that we don't know.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: Say what again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker! Say what one more time!

Favorite Quotes

I love the Simpsons and I can relate to this exchange all too well many days...

Bart : We are going to die!

Lisa : We are all going to die sometime.

Bart : I meant soon!

Lisa : So did I.

DVD Review - X-Men Origins

With three kids and a job with odd hours, going to the movies isn’t a common occurrence. At times even watching a full DVD takes time (I got Hellboy II for Christmas and finished watching it in August). That being said it is time to review the latest movie I watchedX-Men Origins. DISCLAIMER – I never read comic books so if the movie and the original comic didn’t mesh I don’t really care. I am just covering the movie itself.

Critics seemed to despise the latest X-Men movie, but I didn’t know of a single person that saw the movie and didn’t like it. I was a bit skeptical about the movie, but I knew the action sequences would deliver. I wasn’t disappointed as the action was better than expected and the rest of the movie was nicely done. We got to follow Wolverine through his century and a half life and found out how and why he became the character he is. The story made sense and was nicely done, even setting up the beginning of the X-Men from the previous three movies. The only thing that was missing is more involvement from Gambit, and a wish he had been in the previous movies. As prequels go this was nicely done and didn’t require much time to get the viewer up to speed. I would defiantly recommend this movie, especially if you are one of the 47 people on Earth that haven’t seen any of the other X-Men movies.

Brain Enema Version 1

When you have a little bit to say about a lot of things I just get a Brain Enema

So Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I don’t have an issue with that. The rules are that the nominations have to be in by February (he had been in office for less than 2 weeks) and his promises of dealing with the other countries in the world were a drastic and more peaceful plan. Obama didn’t so much as win as Bush’s administration caused the world to hate us so much that anyone that was elected would have won the award.

Fred Taylor is hurt again, but should you really be surprised. He has his first fully healthy year ever and then is right back to his normal injury pattern. He has been killing my fantasy teams for a decade and he must be stopped. If he had stayed healthy he might have been one of the top five running backs in NFL history.

When an opponent travels to Virginia Tech they are leaving with a loss, it doesn’t matter who it is, VT doesn’t lose at home. There is no team that is coached as well in special team at any level, and no matter how good or bad VT is you always have to be afraid to play against them.

As much as I hated to see the Angles beat the Red Sox it was time. The Sox had owned the Angels in the playoffs and they were due. Throw a dog a bone every once in a while. The Sox were good but they weren’t a playoff team this year. While there might not have been a better team to be in the playoffs, the 2009 Red Sox were not a strong playoff team.

With the complaints about the NBA refs from last year is the league really prepared to go the entire year with replacement refs? I understand the reasoning but to lose the good refs you have is going to be horrible for the NBA.

The NHL is back! Just wanted to let you know, most people never get to see the games so you might have forgotten about hockey season.

It is nice to be undefeated in fantasy football, realize you need a running back to replace Fred Taylor and a quarterback because Aaron Rodgers and Phillip Rivers have bye weeks. Who did I pick up? Brett Favre and Michael Turner. I did okay.

Instead of a three division winners and a wild card winner in baseball’s playoffs can’t we just balance the schedule and take the four teams with the best records. Why not take the best of the best regardless of where they are located? Oh yeah TV ratings and merchandising. Never mind

Chuck Liddell is one hell of an impressive fighter in MMA but his best days are behind him. After watching Dancing With The Stars (my wife Tivoed in and I watched only Liddell) it is obvious that athletic ability doesn’t translate to being graceful. Liddell was painful to watch.

The AFC 50^th anniversary is a nice retro glimpse at the past, but the ref uniforms? They look like the mugged a barbershop quartet on the way to the game and stole their clothes. Let the teams use retro uniforms but keeps the refs with the normal zebra look.

The WWE is a rich corporate giant and the place where wrestlers go to become famous. That being said, Ring of Honor, Dragon Gate USA, and TNA all are more entertaining and have more wrestlers that can actually perform in the ring. While they might be the most charismatic people in the business, Nigel McGuinness and Brian Danielson are two of the best wrestlers alive today. Expect that the WWE will not let them show their talents and end up missing out on a huge opportunity. They did the same thing by passing or releasing Paul London, Christopher Daniels, Frankie Kazarian, Brian Kendrick, AJ Styles, Colt Cabana, Matt Morgan, Johnny Jeter, Daivairi, Brent Albright, etc, etc, etc.

People love to complain about customer service but most people would never want to do the job themselves. The next time you get a positive customer service experience take the time to thank them, compliment them, tell their manager, or something. Without customer service your life would be more difficult than you could ever imagine.

When it comes to home field advantage I will take any team in Colorado playing outside. Not only do you have the high altitude but snow and below freezing temperatures. Trying playing baseball or football when you can’t grip the ball because you can’t feel your fingers. That is an advantage.

Rush Limbaugh wants to head a group to buy the St. Louis Rams, and no good can come from this. Limbaugh proved he is a loudmouth that cares more about his image than running a pro sports franchise. His choices would be second-guessed based on his ESPN comments about black athletes a few years ago. The Rams can’t get much worse but they can do much better than Limbaugh.

UFC might not like it but MMA and wrestling do go hand in hand. Many of the skills are similar and there are countless moves that work in both genres. While the potential for injury in a wrestling match can be high, making a living as a developing wrestler and MMA fighter both pay little and require an immense amount of work and time. Ease up UFC and let your stars make a living.

Take back what I said about retro NFL uniforms. The Broncos look like they are wearing the rejected uniforms from Alabama and the Steelers. Not a good look even 50 years ago. They look too much like something you would see at a high school football game.

Sidney Crosby is good but overrated. Not only is Alexander Ovechkin a better all around player now that he is playing some defense and checking. Crosby isn’t even the best center on his own team, I would take Evgeni Malkin any day. Crosby is too soft and tries to do too much.

Anyone who knows me is aware of my man love for one specific football player. After getting released by the 49ers he is now leading the Patriots in sacks…Tully Banta-Cain

Retro TV? Save Me

All things retro may be the fad but can we leave well enough alone when it comes to televison? Nobody wanted 90210 to come back and now we have Melrose Place too. I never watched it the first time and I am sure as hell not watching it now. Do you really want to watch a show about rich kids in high school played by actors that are more concerned about menopose that getting pregnant? I think not. If you bring back a show bring back Saved By The Bell. Dustin Diamond always needs a job, the money from Showgirls must be running out forElizabeth Berkley, and Slater could get off of the male version of the View. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see any old remakes of television shows, but at least make a show that can make fun of itself. Have the washed up actors/actresses return as failures in life to make it realistic. At least it would be better than fake reality shows about nothing. (Well maybe a little)

Tarantino Fixes .... Pretty Woman

For most guys the most feared thing we ever can encounter is spending $30 to go to a movie theater and watch a horrible chick flick. A sappy love story, no action, no killing, nothing blown up, it is like paying to be tortured for two hours. What men need is for these awful movies to be made more guy friendly. Imagine Ghost with actual ghosts, the Titanic where the rich passengers go below decks to fight with the poor travelers, and Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze is an undercover assassin. What I propose is the master of guy movies Quentin Tarentino remakes these “classics” in his normal style. Sit back and enjoy the first of many in the series “Tarentino Fixes... ”.

The first movie to fix is none other than Pretty Woman. A few changes keep the plot the same but make the movie much more watchable. Richard Gere would be the head of an import/export company in town to buy off politicians to let his mob in town. While in town he would rent out a hooker (Julia Roberts) to keep him company, no need to change that, just thrown in some more skin. Gere would use Roberts to influence the politicians, giving them Roberts or any other woman they wanted. When Jason Anderson found out that Gere was falling for Roberts he was going to kill him and take over the mob. Roberts’ friend would then kill off Alexander before he could take out Gere. The killing would cause Roberts to leave Gere in fear for her life and try to escape the town. Gere would use all methods at his disposal to track her down until finally finding her at an abandoned warehouse. No white knight riding in on his horse, you get Gere taking Roberts away in a limo with the movie ending. You never know what she does, it she stays with him, she tries to leave, she gets killed for knowing too much info, you just never know.