The Truth Hurts - ID Theft

On an average day I talk to several people that have had their identities stolen. This has become an epidemic in America, one that can be avoided. The reason for the increase in identity theft rests squarely on the parents, the people in the 30-50 year old age bracket. These people have two issues to overcome. The first is blissful ignorance. Their parents lived in a safer time, a world where you knew your neighbors and you didn’t have to lock your doors. They never had to learn how to protect themselves and their identities. As a result they are raising a generation of people that have no common sense when it comes to keeping their information safe.

The teens and early twenties people of our generation have no clue what is stupid behavior. When they get bank statements they throw them out in the envelope, often without looking at them. You just gave a thief your address, your name, your bank and account numbers, as well as your shopping patterns, maybe even your signature. Then there are the people that leave their purse or wallet in the car. Your car gets broken into or even left unlocked, and a thief has every piece of identity you own, and your money can be gone in an instant. The worst thing people do is trust friends to use their debit card and pin number. If you have a dishonest friend who knows your pin number and card number, then consider yourself screwed.

The next generation of identity theft lies with the children too young to have an identity worth taking. Their impending issues are their names. Parents are making up more and more unusual names for their children. When you have a name like Bob, Mary, Rick, Jeff, etc you know if the person you are talking to is a man or a woman. If you talk to Jamira is that person male or female? I have seen both. Now some names may have meaning in other countries or languages, but if you want to avoid identity theft try a bit more of a distinctive name. If you teach your children how to stay safe and give them a normal name then their identity will be safer.  

Don't Piss Off Sarcastic Cops

An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.
  The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.
  Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.
  Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: 'Because that's all the ammunition we had..' Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

  The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.. When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied"when you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

Only in Florida

Florida Highway Patrol troopers investigating a crash on Cudjoe Key determined the cause: as she drove, a 37-year-old woman was shaving her landing strip while her ex-husband, in the passenger seat, was steering. After rear-ending another vehicle, they drove another half-mile, and her ex allegedly switched seats with her. As for the unusual distraction, "She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," said Trooper Gary Dunick. "If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it." The day before the crash, driver Megan Mariah Barnes was convicted of drunk driving (not her first offense), and driving with a suspended license. Her license was revoked for five years, and she was ordered to turn in her car for impound. After the crash, Barnes was arrested and charged  with hit and run, reckless driving, driving without insurance, and driving with a revoked license. Her ex-husband was not charged.
 (Key West Citizen)

Should A Child Witness Childbirth?

True story....

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place...........smack his ass again!'

Why Florida and Old People Scare me

If I took a 20 question multiple choice test with my eyes closed I am sure I would pass at least once in 72 tries. What scares me is that there are a lot of people that are worse drivers than him out there

Stanley Mayausky, 79, has lived in Tampa, Fla., since he moved there from New Jersey 30 years ago. He'd really like a Florida drivers license, but it was taken away from him after he drove away after an accident -- a hit and run. To get it back, he has to take the standard written state driver test -- 20 multiple-choice questions, and he has to get 15 correct to pass. There is no time limit, and he takes his time. Still, he has failed the test 72 times. "I've been driving for all these years and, see, they've made all these changes to the rules and they never told me," he explains."Maybe I'll try again tomorrow." If he passes, he then has to take a driving test. If he fails that test five times, Florida will ban him from driving for life.
(St. Petersburg Times)

College Doesn't Make You Smart

I just want to know how someone could do something so freakin stupid.

Ft. Worth's Texas Christian University launched an investigation. So did the Kappa Sigma Fraternity, and police in Breckenridge, Colo. A TCU student on a ski vacation to Colorado, Amon G. "Chance" Carter IV, the great-grandson of the founder of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper, got the Kappa Sigma insignia branded onto his buttocks with a hot coat hanger. {DAMN A COAT HANGER?}The second- and third-degree burns will need plastic surgery to repair. Carter's family threatened a lawsuit, but after police reviewed 210 photos and seven videos, they announced they would not file charges. "All the evidence suggests that Amon Carter IV was a willing participant" in the mayhem, said a police spokesman, "and the branding was not part of any fraternity initiation, as he is already a full member." (Summit Daily News)

Mobile Amazement

Mobile communications are connecting the world

Every second, eight times as many mobile phones are sold as there are people born

Mobile represents the quickest technology adoption rate in history

Mobile is the fastest growing communication vehicle in history.
Globally: 4.4 billion mobile devices vs. 1.1 billion PCs

Relationship Test

THE RELATIONSHIP TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less…She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome... She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister..

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me..' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car..

Brain Enema 2-15-10

To recap the NBA All-Star Saturday Night… Paul Pierce is money, Rajon Rondo lost in HORSE because Kevin Duran can make a jump shot and Rondo can’t, Nate Robinson won the dunk contest because he is short and can jump high, and Steve Nash is fundamentally sound.

March Madness, is a month away and I haven't watched a minute of college basketball since last year's Final Four.

Howard Stern would be the death of American Idol. Good or bad?

Brett Favre is still going to play in 2010.

The Olympics during the NHL season is a horrible idea. At least one star will get hurt and ruin his teams’ playoff chances

ECW will be missed, even in its WWE form. RVD, Taz, Paul Heyman, Raven, Sandman, Dudley Boyz, bWo, Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Shane Douglas, etc THANK YOU for the MEMORIES

David Lee should get at least a four-year fifty million dollar contract in the off-season. I would forget about Lebron and put my money into Lee and a good SG/SF for less money.

All it took for Drew Brees to finally get respect was to win a Super Bowl against a future first ballot Hall of fame QB. Looking at the last few years I am leaning towards saying that Brees should have won two MVP awards.

Cris Carter is a first ballot Hall of fame wide receiver even if he is in the same class as Jerry Rice and Emmit Smith

It's sad seeing UFC legends getting passed by. Tito Ortiz shut up a retire.

Regardless of free agency or the draft, if the Patriots lose Pro Bowl NT Vince Wilfork after the upcoming season than they will need to completely overhaul their defense

Nothing says Valentines Day like the NBA All-Star Game at a football stadium

Dana White promised Boston UFC a PPV this summer. Lesnar will be healthy by then. Smell the money

Saw Johnny Damon on the side of the road the other day with a sign.. '"Will play decent offensive left field for a multi-year contract making 150% of my market value."

Would the Patriots sign Terrell Ovens & LT for a year to make a Super Bowl run?

Jon Lester, Josh Beckett, John Lackey, Dice-K, Clay Bucholz, Tim Wakefield, Boof Bonser, Michael Bowden, etc. With those starters the Red Sox don't need to worry about their offense, they should be able to win I-0 or 2-1 every game.

Tim Thomas gets named to the USA Olympic team and he ends up as the Bruins backup the year after he won the Vezina Trophy. The Bruins have the seventh best goals against in the NHL so he can’t be that bad. If the B's were healthy and could score and have competent defensemen they would be a contender.

Does Boxing still exist?

Urban Meyer needs to stay away from Florida for this year for the health of everyone else

The Thunder will win an NBA title before the Mariners or Seahawks even make a Super bowl or World Series. The Mariners should make the playoffs this year by winning a weak American League West.

The Giants getting Tim Lincum for less than twelve million per year for the next two years is a steal. He would get close to twenty million per year for a long term contract on the open market.

Frank Thomas officially retired after close to two decades as one of the most feared hitters in baseball. The future first ballot Hall of former is still the best tight end in Auburn history. He could have been a great NFL player.

The Dolphins release Joey Porter because he is a loud mouth with declining skills. A few hours later the team had to bring him back to improper timing of his release. They have agreed to keep him but bought out his mouth and attitude for 750,000.

The BengaIs must be concerned about their image. They are no longer the league leaders in arrests, so they signed WR Matt Jones (out of the NFL for drug issues) and worked out to Pacman Jones. Gilbert Arenas has a tryout next week.

A tip for Donte Stallworth’s agent. Try to get a public transportation endorsement instead of a car dealership. Just a thought.

For the moment I am out of athletes to insult and degrade, so until next time the sports world is on watch.

The Truth Hurts - Elvis vs MJ

We all know that honesty is the best policy, but sometimes people don't like to hear bad news. Being honest is all in the delivery. For instance, those jeans don't make you look fat, your fat makes you look fat. I will be delivering the truth that is brutal, raw, and hurts to hear. It will probably offend the weak as well...

Elvis impersonators are everywhere and outnumber the population of Luxembourg. Within the next decade the Elvis impersonator will be outnumbered by the Michael Jackson impersonator. MJ is easier to impersonate. You can be an impersonator if you are black, white, or almost any ethnicity. Jackson's color ranged so much that anyone can be him. Elvis was white and then white and fat. That gives someone limited options unless they fit those criteria. Jackson will have impersonators everywhere. Offensive sure, but we live in an EOE world.

Job Plan

Try THIS out at your job and see how it goes

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.

Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman that has ever run for President.

New Month Good $ Change For Your Wallet

Since this is a new month I will try to be more positive. Here is a tidbit to start things out right...

While you may or may not like our new President, there is something that is going into effect that you will like. Starting this month or next month (depending on your billing cycle) your credit cards will be paid off quicker. When you make a payment the minimum will go to the lowest interest rate purchase, and then anything above the minimum you pay goes towards the highest interest rate purchase.

In simple terms, your card gets paid off quicker than before and you pay less money to interest.

Jack Bauer...Vampire?

With the new season of 24 in full swing the biggest mystery of all is Jack Bauer. A normal television season takes place over weeks or months, where 24 takes place in one day. We tend to forget that the gash, burn, or broken rib in the sixth hour should and would still be there twelve hours later, but miraculously they are gone. Not only does Jack have the power to heal almost instantly, but also he never ages. Take a look at the timeline from the various 24 seasons to see that Jack Bauer may be a vampire (fast healing + can’t die + doesn’t age).

In the first season, in 2001, Jack was a highly successful federal agent with a 15-year-old daughter. Although Jack's age was never stated, he had to be at least in his late mid to late thirties. He was a college graduate who had received his master's in criminology, then joined the U.S. Army, reaching the rank of captain in the prestigious Delta Squad. After the Army, he worked for Los Angeles SWAT team, and then joined the CIA in its clandestine wing. After this, he was recruited to the CTU, the mysterious agency where Jack toils when the series begins. It is almost impossible for an average person to have accomplished so much before they were fifty, but Bauer is no average man.

When the series started we can be extra generous and say he was 38. A warning is that the timeline isn’t exact but it is as close as we can get. Season 2 was 18 months after season 1, making Jack 39-40. Season 3 was three years after season 2, making Jack about 42-43. Season 4 was 18 months after season 3, making Jack about at least 45. Season 5 was 18 months after season 4, making Jack about 47. Season 6 was 20 months after season 5, making Jack about 49. 24-Redemption, a two-hour movie that supposedly tied things together, was four years after season 6, making Jack 53-54. Season 7, happening shortly after Redemption, still has Jack at around 54. Season 8, looks to be three years after season 8, as Jack's granddaughter is close to three, making Jack around 57. He's quite a physical specimen for a man with an AARP Card! Also, add up the years and it is now 2014 in the series, if the series started in the same year that it aired. Maybe that explains all the CTU super-technology that does not seem to exist in our reality. VAMPIRES I TELL YOU, VAMPIRES.

Favre Can't Leave Now

After failing to win the Super Bowl again this year Brett Favre has announced that he will most likely retire. Note to self {copy and paste story from 2009, 2008.2007, etc}. Favre has been pulling this same possible retirement stunt since the Clinton administration. The difference between this year in Minnesota and previous seasons is that Favre looked like a good NFL quarterback the entire 2009 season. Favre played like he belonged again as an NFLQB. Minnesota was the perfect and best fit for Favre and the Vikings, and would be for at least one more year.

In the coming months Favre will contemplate retirement on his Mississippi farm while making commercials for jeans and heartburn medicine. Favre will have plenty of time to think about what he hasn't been able accomplish Favre hasn't been a Super Bowl champion in over a decade. Favre isn't the oldest player in NFL history, quarterback or other position. Favre still can tackle a defensive back returning a turnover like nobody else in the game. Favre still has many more game altering interceptions left in his arm. After bypassing training camp Favre will return to the Vikings or another team if he wears out his welcome in Minnesota. This is just too much to pass up for Favre to call it a career.

There is a new wrinkle in the ongoing Brett Favre career saga. Favre’s nephew Dylan is entering Ole Miss in the fall after a stellar high school career. It will take the younger Favre time to develop and perform well enough to get a chance at making it in the NFL. If Dylan Favre does play well enough in college to get a chance in the pros it will take time for him to learn the pro game. At that point Brett can retire and become Dylan’s position coach. We can’t have football without at least one Favre playing in the NFL. Brett Favre will have to continue to make the sacrifice and keep playing until no team wants him or Osteoporosis sets in. Don’t worry football fans Brett will be back in time for Week 1 of the 2010 season... somewhere.

Brock Lesnar > Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was once the most feared man in the world. Now that he has gotten older he has had to relinquish his status as the toughest man that ever lived. After a long and exhausting search a replacement for Norris was found, and he is even tougher that Norris. After nearly dying from diverticulitis, UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar made the colon disease disappear. The only way to cure it is with a surgical removal. Brock is tougher than disease and smarter than medical experts. Brock is now the most dangerous man in the universe. Here is just a small list of his skills.

Brock Lesnar is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar doesn't need to shave, his stubble falls out on its own

Brocks donated 156 organs to those in need. Half have come from his victims the other half are his and regenerated

Brock is immortal. If you try to kill him you will die

Brock’s tattoos aren’t real. No needle is strong enough to break his skin. He just draws them with sharpies.

Brock doesn't need a cell phone. He just thinks and the person knows what he wants to say

Brock can’t get the flu. The flu gets shots to protect themselves from Brock

When Brock proposed he didn't buy a diamond ring he squeezed a lump of Coal into a fourteen-carrot diamond

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Brock Lesnar can piss his name into concrete.

The chief export of Brock Lesnar is pain.

Brock Lesnar is the only person in the world that can actually email a heart punch.

Brock Lesnar' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Brock Lesnar uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Brock Lesnar is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Brock Lesnar.

Jesus can walk on water, but Brock Lesnar can swim through dry land.

Brock Lesnar once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Brock Lesnar doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

Brock Lesnar once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Superman wears Brock Lesnar pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Brock Lesnar does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Brock Lesnar died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Brock Lesnar does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Brock Lesnar won... by five.

Brock Lesnar is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Brock Lesnar can kill two stones with one bird.

When Brock Lesnar crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Brock Lesnar counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Brock Lesnar has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Brock Lesnar toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Brock Lesnar can hold his breathe for nine years.

Brock Lesnar CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

An elbow to the chest by Brock Lesnar is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Brock Lesnar is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Brock Lesnar.

When Brock Lesnar had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Brock Lesnar. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Brock Lesnar is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Brock Lesnar sleeps with a night light. Not because Brock Lesnar is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar doesn't chew gum. Brock Lesnar chews tin foil.

Brock Lesnar can touch MC Hammer.

When Brock Lesnar runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Brock Lesnar ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Brock Lesnar can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Brock Lesnar frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Brock Lesnar in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Brock Lesnar just hates trailer parks.

Brock Lesnar once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Brock Lesnar is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Brock Lesnar' fists are so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Brock Lesnar plays Monopoly, it affects the economy.

Apple pays Brock Lesnar 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Brock Lesnar doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Brock Lesnar' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Brock Lesnar does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Brock Lesnar has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Brock Lesnar doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Brock Lesnar picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Brock Lesnar invented water.

Brock Lesnar can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Brock Lesnar' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Brock Lesnar jumps out.

Brock Lesnar doesn't wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.

Brock Lesnar gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Brock Lesnar once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime

Brock Lesnar can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Brock Lesnar's computer. Brock Lesnar is always in control.

Minnesota does not have a police force. They have Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Brock Lesnar? ...All of it.

Brock Lesnar's penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Brock Lesnar doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Brock Lesnar eats steel.

Brock Lesnar doesn't eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.

Anyone can piss on the floor, but Brock Lesnar can shit on the ceiling

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Brock Lesnar's fist.

Brock Lesnar is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Brock Lesnar gave him 6.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Brock Lesnar does both legs at once.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Brock Lesnar counts for 4 of them.

Brock Lesnar once punched a man in the SOUL.

God said "Let there be light", Brock Lesnar said "Say please".

If you Google search "Brock Lesnar getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

It takes Brock Lesnar 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Bullets dodge Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar can divide by zero.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Brock Lesnar to go around.

Brock Lesnar always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Brock Lesnar believes it's not butter.

Brock Lesnar can get Blackjack with just one card

Brock Lesnar was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Brock Lesnar can sneeze with his eyes open

Brock Lesnar got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Brock Lesnar for every answer

Brock Lesnar can split the atom. With his bare hands

Brock Lesnar let the dogs out

Brock Lesnar can piss into gale force winds.

Brock Lesnar invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Brock Lesnar does not "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Guns don't kill people. Brock Lesnar kills People.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Brock Lesnar.

"Brock Lesnar can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Brock Lesnar allows to live.

Brock Lesnar destroyed the periodic table, because Brock Lesnar only recognizes the element of surprise.

Brock Lesnar can unscramble an egg.

Brock Lesnar can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Brock Lesnar is what Willis was talking about.

Guns kill 12 people a day. Brock Lesnar kills 20.

When Brock Lesnar goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

Brock Lesnar once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Brock Lesnar once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The only thing better than Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar on TV, talking about Brock Lesnar.

When Brock Lesnar sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Brock Lesnar has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Brock Lesnar doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Brock Lesnar can delete the Recycle Bin.

Brock Lesnar puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Brock Lesnar doesn't get the belt, the belt get Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar can gargle peanut butter.

Brock Lesnar is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Brock Lesnar once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Brock won blindfolded.

Brock Lesnar lost his virginity before his dad did.

What was going through the minds of Brock Lesnar' victims before they died? His shoe.

When Brock Lesnar gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Brock Lesnar doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Brock Lesnar doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

There are no races, only countries of people Brock Lesnar has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Brock Lesnar. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Brock Lesnar can build a snowman out of rain.

The adjective "perfect" originated when Brock Lesnar gave his penis a nickname

All you need to know is not to mess with Brock Lesnar or he will kill you, slowly. You have been warned!