Brock Lesnar > Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was once the most feared man in the world. Now that he has gotten older he has had to relinquish his status as the toughest man that ever lived. After a long and exhausting search a replacement for Norris was found, and he is even tougher that Norris. After nearly dying from diverticulitis, UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar made the colon disease disappear. The only way to cure it is with a surgical removal. Brock is tougher than disease and smarter than medical experts. Brock is now the most dangerous man in the universe. Here is just a small list of his skills.

Brock Lesnar is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar doesn't need to shave, his stubble falls out on its own

Brocks donated 156 organs to those in need. Half have come from his victims the other half are his and regenerated

Brock is immortal. If you try to kill him you will die

Brock’s tattoos aren’t real. No needle is strong enough to break his skin. He just draws them with sharpies.

Brock doesn't need a cell phone. He just thinks and the person knows what he wants to say

Brock can’t get the flu. The flu gets shots to protect themselves from Brock

When Brock proposed he didn't buy a diamond ring he squeezed a lump of Coal into a fourteen-carrot diamond

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Brock Lesnar can piss his name into concrete.

The chief export of Brock Lesnar is pain.

Brock Lesnar is the only person in the world that can actually email a heart punch.

Brock Lesnar' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Brock Lesnar uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Brock Lesnar is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Brock Lesnar.

Jesus can walk on water, but Brock Lesnar can swim through dry land.

Brock Lesnar once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Brock Lesnar doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

Brock Lesnar once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Superman wears Brock Lesnar pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Brock Lesnar does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Brock Lesnar died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Brock Lesnar does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Brock Lesnar won... by five.

Brock Lesnar is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Brock Lesnar can kill two stones with one bird.

When Brock Lesnar crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Brock Lesnar counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Brock Lesnar has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Brock Lesnar toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Brock Lesnar can hold his breathe for nine years.

Brock Lesnar CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

An elbow to the chest by Brock Lesnar is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Brock Lesnar is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Brock Lesnar.

When Brock Lesnar had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Brock Lesnar. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Brock Lesnar is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Brock Lesnar sleeps with a night light. Not because Brock Lesnar is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar doesn't chew gum. Brock Lesnar chews tin foil.

Brock Lesnar can touch MC Hammer.

When Brock Lesnar runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Brock Lesnar ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Brock Lesnar can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Brock Lesnar frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Brock Lesnar in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Brock Lesnar just hates trailer parks.

Brock Lesnar once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Brock Lesnar is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Brock Lesnar' fists are so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Brock Lesnar plays Monopoly, it affects the economy.

Apple pays Brock Lesnar 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Brock Lesnar doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Brock Lesnar' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Brock Lesnar does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Brock Lesnar has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Brock Lesnar doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Brock Lesnar picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Brock Lesnar invented water.

Brock Lesnar can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Brock Lesnar' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Brock Lesnar jumps out.

Brock Lesnar doesn't wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.

Brock Lesnar gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Brock Lesnar once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime

Brock Lesnar can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Brock Lesnar's computer. Brock Lesnar is always in control.

Minnesota does not have a police force. They have Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Brock Lesnar? ...All of it.

Brock Lesnar's penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Brock Lesnar doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Brock Lesnar eats steel.

Brock Lesnar doesn't eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.

Anyone can piss on the floor, but Brock Lesnar can shit on the ceiling

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Brock Lesnar's fist.

Brock Lesnar is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Brock Lesnar gave him 6.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Brock Lesnar does both legs at once.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Brock Lesnar counts for 4 of them.

Brock Lesnar once punched a man in the SOUL.

God said "Let there be light", Brock Lesnar said "Say please".

If you Google search "Brock Lesnar getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

It takes Brock Lesnar 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Bullets dodge Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar can divide by zero.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Brock Lesnar to go around.

Brock Lesnar always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Brock Lesnar believes it's not butter.

Brock Lesnar can get Blackjack with just one card

Brock Lesnar was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Brock Lesnar can sneeze with his eyes open

Brock Lesnar got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Brock Lesnar for every answer

Brock Lesnar can split the atom. With his bare hands

Brock Lesnar let the dogs out

Brock Lesnar can piss into gale force winds.

Brock Lesnar invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Brock Lesnar does not "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Guns don't kill people. Brock Lesnar kills People.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Brock Lesnar.

"Brock Lesnar can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Brock Lesnar allows to live.

Brock Lesnar destroyed the periodic table, because Brock Lesnar only recognizes the element of surprise.

Brock Lesnar can unscramble an egg.

Brock Lesnar can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Brock Lesnar is what Willis was talking about.

Guns kill 12 people a day. Brock Lesnar kills 20.

When Brock Lesnar goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

Brock Lesnar once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Brock Lesnar once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The only thing better than Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar on TV, talking about Brock Lesnar.

When Brock Lesnar sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Brock Lesnar has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Brock Lesnar doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Brock Lesnar can delete the Recycle Bin.

Brock Lesnar puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Brock Lesnar doesn't get the belt, the belt get Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar can gargle peanut butter.

Brock Lesnar is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Brock Lesnar once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Brock won blindfolded.

Brock Lesnar lost his virginity before his dad did.

What was going through the minds of Brock Lesnar' victims before they died? His shoe.

When Brock Lesnar gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Brock Lesnar doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Brock Lesnar doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

There are no races, only countries of people Brock Lesnar has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Brock Lesnar. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Brock Lesnar can build a snowman out of rain.

The adjective "perfect" originated when Brock Lesnar gave his penis a nickname

All you need to know is not to mess with Brock Lesnar or he will kill you, slowly. You have been warned!

NFL in 2010

Publish Post

If I had to start a defense I would want a strong presence up the middle, just like in baseball. You need a nose/defensive tackle to disrupt the line, stuff the run, and occupy blockers to free up the linebackers. You then need a middle/inside linebacker that can cover a running back, lead a defense, stop the run, cover the field from sideline to sideline, and blitz if necessary. Then you need a safety that can make up for a cornerback’s mistakes, stuff the run, cover a tight end, and punish anyone that ventures into the middle of the field. Using those criteria the team that has the best three players to build a team around is the Patriots. Vince Wilfork is a Pro Bowl NT and the most dominant inside defensive lineman in football. Jarod Mayo was the defensive rookie of the year last year and will be a player that will get Pro Bowl consideration every year. Brandon Merriweather is just learning but already has become a force replacing Rodney Harrison, and plays like him already. While the rest of the defense is in flux, the Patriots will able to compete as long as they keep those three players healthy.

Moving the Pro Bowl to the week before the Super Bowl is a disaster waiting to happen. There is always a risk of an injury in any football game, even a glorified exhibition. When you play the game when there is still the most important game left to play you are putting the players in a tough position. If you are headed to the Super Bowl do you not play in the Pro Bowl? Do you play but risk injury? When Adrian Peterson tears an ACL, Drew Brees gets a concussion, or Peyton Manning breaks his hand, the NFL will be in trouble. The week off before the Super Bowl is used to rest, not risk injury for your league’s superstars.

Ray Rice will lead the NFL in total yards in 2010. The man is a beast with the ball and has the softest hands of any back in the league.

Julian Edelman will get catches in 2010

Never trust a player that judges his health by how he performs in bed, I am looking at you Ochocinco.

Darrelle Revis is the best cornerback in football and will be the best of this generation. If he stays healthy Canton will come calling for him.

Pete Carroll was surprised when the Seahawks came looking to hire him. He was the second choice to Mike Holmgren, not the person the Seahawks targeted from Day One, With NCAA snooping around USC over two running backs with potential illegal gift issues it was a good time to leave. He inherits a team with a few good players but nowhere to go. The sad thing is that Carroll told his players via text messages on phones given illegally by boosters.

Darius Butler will be a top kick return in 2010 and a Pro Bowl cornerback by 2012.

Eric Mangini will coach Cleveland in 2010 simply because the Browns don’t want to pay fired coaches more than their roster

When the Eagles trade Kevin Kolb they will get a return like the Falcons did when they traded Matt Schaub to Houston. The common link is that Michael Vick needs a backup even if he is your backup.

Scott Pioli getting the gang back together in Kansas City is going to be a disaster. Romeo Crennel needs to be in charge of the defense but wont have enough power to get the players he needs to make his system work. Charlie Weis likes his formations and to call the plays, but his head coach prefers a different offense and to call his own plays. Too many chefs not enough food in the kitchen.

Drugs and Guns

In hindsight, says Principal Gary Anger of Red Pine Elementary School in Eagan, Minn., it was "unwise" to allow it. After students graduated from an anti-drug program, they were given
certificates, cake, and helium balloons. After the party, several of the balloons had floated into the gym's ceiling, so Anger allowed a parent to bring in a BB gun to shoot them down. There is a zero
tolerance weapons policy in the district, and students have been expelled for bringing lesser "weapons" than that to school. When parents complained about the double standard, Anger told a reporter that "in retrospect, it was probably a dumb thing to do," then e-mailed parents that "It is my hope that my decision did not send a mixed message regarding the importance of safety at Red Pine Elementary," and then went back to work. (Minneapolis Star Tribune)

The Brain Over the Chin

Jay Leno has never been a favorite of mine, even when he was on top of the late night world. I was always a Letterman fan, a Jon Stewart Daily Show fan, and a Conan O'Brien fan. Leno never did anything for me, he seemed like the guy at the bar sitting around thinking he was funny because his friends laughed at him. Leno's retirement was a welcomed change as the true funny men of late night would get a better shot. O'Brien has a brain (he is right there with Rivers Cuomo from Weezer as the coolest Harvard grads on the planet), a written comedic background (stints as a writer for Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons), and the ability to be smart without being highbrow. Leno's retirement opened the door for Conan to rule the airwaves.

Leno opted to end his retirement and take his late night show to prime time. While this should have worked, the jokes were tamer, the guests were less than impressive, and the show lacked that important feel. There are reasons why late night television isn't shown in prime time; what you can say at 11:30 is much different than a few hours earlier. Once Leno's show became a failure he was left with nowhere to go. His pride wouldn't let him just retire, he needed to show he could still command an audience. Where was Leno to go? Back to late night, taking Conan's spot. Why not just leave well enough alone? Leno could have done a huge stand up tour, but now he has thrown a wrench in late night plans. Conan played second fiddle long enough to deserve his spot, don' let Leno steal it NBC.

Hell Freezes Over

On New Year’s Day the home of the Boston Red Sox was turned into a frozen wonderland for the NHL Winter Classic. If you asked the average fan if Fenway Park would be turned into a hockey stadium the answer would likely include hell freezing over. That very thing may have occurred, as not only did the Bruins beat the Flyers against the backdrop of the Green Monster, but after the game the Bruins actually signed Satan (Miroslav) to help bolster their offense. With the bruins suffering from injuries to top players Milan Lucic and Marc Savard, the team needed fire power and intimidation up front. Who has more power than the Prince of Darkness?

The signing of Satan does bring up a slew of questions, from his alliances to potential rule changes. Before he suits of for the B’s the NHL should take a look into the following issues.

· If he wanted to play why not sign with the Devils

· Will he melt the ice when he tries to play

· Do they make skates you can wear over hooves

· Can he use his tail and if so in what way

· How do you drug test him

· When he drops the gloves will he kill his opponent

By signing Satan the Bruins have only increased their chances of winning the Stanley Cup. They made a deal with the devil, and history shows that that always works out for the best.

Jokes to Offend Everyone

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat.....

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch

Robin William's plan for world peace

Robin Williams' plan...

(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines They don't want us there, anyway. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them .

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi A rabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need
it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10 ) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it..or LEAVE...

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

'The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,

'you want a piece of me?' '

From Mike Tyson

"I might just fade to Bolivian"

"[He] called me a 'rapist' and a 'recluse'. I'm not a recluse."

"I am many things. I am an animal. I am a convicted rapist, a hell-raiser, a loving father, and a semi-good husband. You don't really know me."

"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

"If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [ Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorillathere just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

"My power is discombobulating devastating I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

"I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain."

[To a female reporter] "It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

"The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and everyone's not true with themselves. All of these people who are heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives, if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide. They don't have the heart that I have. I've lived places they can't defecate in."

"I'm not Mother Teresa. But I'm also not Charles Manson!"

"Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It's like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can't control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you. If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer coming across the lawn."
"I'm just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think it's un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my dick sucked ... It's just what I said before, everybody in this country is a big f**king liar. [The media] tells people ... that this person did this and this person did that and then we find out that were just human and we find out that Michael Jordan cheats on his wife just like everybody else and that we all cheat on our f**king wife in one way or another either emotionally, physically or sexually or one way."

"There's no one perfect. We're always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious -- but we're not criminally, at least I'm not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of my most of my money, can I at least get [oral sex] without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?"

"At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see."

"I'm the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I'm like that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn't know what to do. I'm from the ghetto. I don't know how to act. One day I'm in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know, 'You're the heavyweight champion of the world.' ... Who am I? What am I? I don't even know who I am. I'm just a dumb child. I'm being abused. I'm being robbed by lawyers. I think I have more money than I do. I'm just a dumb pugnacious fool. I'm just a fool who thinks I'm someone. And you tell me I should be responsible?"

I have no idea why no one has done a reality show on Mike yet. That would be the highest rated show ever.

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and y elling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me ... er .. One.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners.
We won't take any.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Best Sports Play Ever

Lawyer Milloy has been a NFL safety for over a decade, once a Pro Bowl player, but now a solid veteran. He has been a Super Bowl Champion with the New England Patriots, and a starter for the Buffalo Bills and Atlanta Falcons. While Milloy won’t be headed to Canton, he has been a hard hitting player throughout his career. Despite being one of my favorite Patriots, my favorite memory of him had nothing to do with the Patriots. The best play Milloy ever made occurred at the University of Washington, but not on the gridiron. Milloy was drafted as a pitcher by the Detroit Tigers, but I first saw his talent when he was patrolling center field.

Growing up in Massachusetts Pac-10 sports were rarely ever on television unless it was a Bowl game or NCAA March Madness. One spring day I turned on Sports Channel (now defunct and a precursor to Fox Sports) and found the weekly Pac-10 baseball game of the week. Why would a Massachusetts channel show a weekly college baseball game from teams thousands of miles away? In this one case it might have been destiny. I turned in for a few minutes to see what may be the best defensive play I have ever seen. “The Catch” by Willie Mays was great, this play was better. Lawyer Milloy was playing a center field that was so shallow that the worst hitter on a little league team could have hit it over his head. On the first play there was a hard hit flare to deep right center field, an extra base hit for sure. Milloy came out of nowhere to make a diving, over-the-head catch, while taking a face plant on the warning track.

At the time Kenny Lofton was the fastest center fielder I have ever seen and played too shallow for his own good but Milloy put Lofton to shame. He looked like a short fielder in softball catching a Hail Mary pass. As Milloy was a pitching prospect he might have just been out of position, but his speed more than made up for poor positioning. Milloy didn’t get up as he was injured in the process, hurting his shoulder and collarbone. It was during the multiple replays that they mentioned that Milloy was a star safety on the Huskies football team. I never got to see Milloy play again (either baseball or football) in college but I was ecstatic when he was drafted by the Patriots. I still wear my number 36 “Milloy” Patriots jersey with pride for the man that made the best play I have ever seen in any sport.

Best Quote Ever

The best quote ever from a movie. Matt Damon in therapy from Good Will Hunting

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And, of course, the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

God and Quarterbacks

Three Quarterbacks reach the Pearly Gates after a plane crash on the way to the Pro Bowl...

God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Drew Brees and says, "What do you believe?" Drew says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Drew's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?"
Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

You Can Lead a Horse To Water

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink

[MY QUOTE]

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink…but you can drowned it trying

Good Will Hunting Quotes

And why does he hang out with those retarded gorillas, as you called them? Because any one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fucking bat to your head, okay? It's called loyalty.

The Best Advice You can get

I hate getting advice because if it doesn't work out then you are the one left in trouble, however this is great advice.

ALF Quote

When you crawl under people’s houses you hear things
--Alf

Whenever I have info that I don't want to disclose how I obtained it, this is my answer

MERCY

"Well when you were in Iraq I came here (a strip club) a few times and I ran into your father. We swore each other to secrecy about it."

"What is this, the first rule of perv club is don't talk about perv club"?

I hate each season when a few dozen new television shows debut and I always seem to miss out on the good ones. This year I think I hit gold with NBC's Wednesday night hit Mercy. It combines the humor and nurse over doctor focus of Scrubs with the medical intensity of ER. When you take a nurse coming home from Iraq to her husband that cheated on her, only to find out the doctor she cheated with just joined her hospital, and you have a plot. Throw in a dysfunctional drunken Irish family, a doctor with the world's worst bedside manner, and a nurse that is more innocent than an Amish nun and you have a lot to work with. Mercy deserves to make it, so watch it. You won't be disappointed.

Brain Enema 11-10-09

The Yankees won their 27^th World Series but next year’s team will be missing Johnny Damon, Hideki Matsui, Andy Pettite, and who knows who else. They will still be good because they can outspend anyone, but their lack of a farm system will continue to be a huge issue for them. You can buy players all day long but if you can’t develop a farm system then you won’t be able to get the players you need during the year to replace the old and feeble free agents signed in the offseason.

The Colts may have one of the best records in the NFL but they are not a Super Bowl team. Their defensive backfield has been decimated by injuries (Bob Sanders is not a top safety in the NFL, healthy or not) and the offense is not as dangerous as they once were. The Colts will be in the playoffs but they lack the bodies and talent to get a ring.

Can the WWE please put the Undertaker in one final casket match and haul him away? He has had one of the best runs in wrestling history, but four months at a time of obviously injured Taker doesn’t help his legacy or the company in general. He needs a reduced role where he grooms a replacement, and he needs to stop holding titles, unless they are tag team belts.

Good news Minnesota Twins fans, Michael Cuddyer had his option picked up for the 2010 season and JJ Hardy was acquired from the Brewers. Not only do the Twins keep the best power hitter they have and add a solid offensive shortstop, they show Joe Mauer that they are willing to spend money to have a competitive team.

Memo to the NHL: If a player has swine flu he sits. Grow a spine before the entire league has teams full of players that are on the shelf.

Rajon Rondo resigning with the Boston Celtics is bad news for the rest of the NBA. Rondo would have been the best point guard available as a free agent in years had he not signed an extension. Rondo needs to improve on his shooting, but the same things were said about Jason Kidd, and Rondo has the potential to be better than Kidd.

Ty Law is back in the NFL, signing with the Broncos. Apparently Denver had a need for a reserve cornerback that could generate frequent pass interference penalties and give up huge chunks of yardage. I wonder if Law can feed his family on his prorated salary for the year.

Brad Mills will be an amazing manager for the Astros. The cupboard is almost bare in Houston but Mills has the skills to get the most out of whatever talent he is given. I worry about the Red Sox success without him as the bench coach.

Andre Reed the Buffalo Bills Future Hall of Fame Wide Receiver once said “You are going to get hit either way so you might as well hold onto the ball”. Wes Welker of the Patriots must have taken that to heart, as you can drive him through a brick wall and he will still hold onto the ball. He might be the best possession receiver of his era.

Phil Kessel signed a huge offer sheet with the Maple Leafs, costing the team their first three draft picks next year. Kessel just returned from rotator cuff surgery and recorded ten shots in his first game, and another seven shots that were blocked. He could be just the spark the team needs, however the Leafs are so bad that no matter how well Kessel performs the Leafs will still be at the bottom of the NHL.

I started to watch V and I can’t help but find myself waiting for Fox Mulder to pop up and try to help humanity and then be viciously killed. The show seems like a long X-Files episode, which isn’t a bad thing, but I doubt I will keep watching.

Hulk Hogan joining TNA will end up working, but not in the way most people are expecting. The fans that have left wrestling will return to relive the glory days, but will find a show that actually has talented wrestlers even if they are not the household names of the past. They will be amazed at the action and watch. Most of the current fans will stay in hopes that the company doesn’t get screwed up and will continue to push the people that actually can wrestle, not just the has-been friends of Hogan. TNA will have a rocky transition as some wrestlers will be without a role and will end up lost in the shuffle. Once the newness of Hogan wears off is when the company will see if their investment has paid off. If Hogan becomes an on air talent or tries to wrestle than all will be lost as Hogan couldn’t wrestle thirty years ago, let alone today. If he stays out of the way the company should thrive. If he is put in charge of running the show than all bets are off as to what may happen.

Blake Griffin will suffer from the Clippers curse and become another Danny Manning. I hope it doesn’t happen but that franchise cripples talent worse than a polio outbreak.

If the NFL wants to put a franchise in London (or anywhere in Europe) they will have to face a huge obstacle with not only the huge popularity of soccer (played at the same time of year) but also with the economic issues (value of the dollar versus the Pound or Euro). It is a good idea in theory but not in reality.

Tim Wakefield is close to resigning a two-year contract extension with the Red Sox. Wakefield may not have any fingers left to throw a knuckleball by the time he finally retires.

Naked = Ratings

The Simpsons first aired when I was in elementary school, and I now have a daughter that will be in kindergarten next year. Needless to say, the show has some staying power. Over the years the Simpsons has gone from the “bad influence” show to practically being family friendly compared to South Park , Family Guy, and Adult Swim. That is why the recent announcement of Marge Simpson posing in Playboy makes sense, but is still so bizarre. They are many pros and cons to this idea, and while I have no intention of purchasing the magazine, the idea may have merit. I am so confused about it I am not even sure what my opinion is, so make it up for yourself based on the info.

· Marge Simpson isn’t even human. She is a cartoon with one less finger than other humans, she has blue hair, and she looks like she has the worse case of jaundice ever recorded.

· She isn’t even the most attractive cartoon mom on Fox, Lois on Family Guy is much hotter

· Does anyone ever buy Playboy anymore? With all the access to free porn online who needs a magazine?

· Do cartoons turn you on? Actually don’t answer that

· The Simpsons get a ton of publicity, and publicity = ratings

· Fox has no morals so don’t condemn them for exploiting a drawing (the exploit my brain cells by keeping Fox “News” on the air)

· Will people actually buy more magazines or generate more site hits to make the venture worthwhile?

· Will people be turned off by the idea and boycott the show?

· Do people even care about either Fox’s show or Heff’s empire?

This has been bouncing around in my head for weeks, so please let me know what you think, I need to get a resolution.

Denis Leary Therapy

"Im just not happy... I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. Hey join the fucking club ok. I though I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Socks, life sucks get a fucking helmet alright? I'm not happy, I'm not happy, nobody's happy ok, happiness comes in small doses folks, it's a cigarette or a chocolate chip cookie or a 5 second orgasm- thats it ok? You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to fucking work ok. That is it, end of fucking list. I'm just not happy- shut the fuck up, alright. Thats the name of my new book- shut the fuck up by Dr. Dennis Leary. A revolutionary new form of therapy. I'm gonna have my patients come in, Doctor I- SHUT THE FUCK UP, NEXT!.....I dont feel so- SHUT THE FUCK UP, NEXT!! He made me feel so much better about myself you know, he just told me to shut the fuck up and, nobody had ever told me that before, I feel so much better now."
-Dennis Leary

Gin Rummy Quote

Boondocks is the best cartoon strip and TV cartoon ever, there is no debate. They say what people think, they mock anyone and everyone, they say anything (they did an episode about the N (Nigga is a friend Nigger is an insult), and best of all, Samuel L Jackson plays a white militant Iraq vet named Gin Rummy. Rummy's best lines are taken from Donald Rumsfield quotes "absence of evidence" and "unknown unknows" and made into huge satire. Here is the best...

Gin Rummy: I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean you have evidence of something that doesn't exist.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: What country are you from?
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: 'What' ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in 'What'?
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?
Riley: Yeah.
Gin Rummy: So you understand the words I'm saying to you!
Riley: Yeah.
Gin Rummy: Well, what I'm saying is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns. But there are also unknown unknowns; things we don't know that we don't know.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: Say what again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker! Say what one more time!